Oz in Wonderland

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According to Dr. Oz, how often should you have sex?

• A. Once a week.
• B. Twice a week
• C. 10 times a month
• D. 200 times a year or more

The correct answer is D.

“If you have more than 200 orgasms a year, you can reduce your physiological age by six years,” Dr. Oz says. He bases the number on a study done at Duke University that surveyed people on the amount and quality of sex they had. “They looked at what happened to folks that (sic) are having a lot of intercourse over time, and the fact is, it correlated.”

                                                                      The Dr. Oz Health Quiz at www.oprah.com

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This is the very kind of health news that the Clown has been looking for. It’s stimulating, it’s uplifting, it raises one’s hope and it dodges all those depressing symptoms associated with elephantiasis, irritable bowel syndrome, gout, etc.  And, it carries the imprimatur of Dr. Mehmet Cengiz Oz, he of the tailored scrubs, daytime talk show and membership in the list of “500 most influential Muslims of 2009” (thanks be to Oprah). These are the kinds of credentials that one should memorize before springing this particular bit of health news on a current main squeeze.

I made the rookie mistake of simply quoting this scientific finding to the current wife without first establishing that it wasn’t just my idea. Her reaction was thus: initial silence as she did the math in her head, followed by the dry observation that I should probably purchase for myself a few additional bottles of Corn Husker’s Lotion.

After advising her that this health tip came from Dr. Oz, not moi, she remained skeptical and suggested that I might use my extraordinary research and journalistic skills to verify that 200+ orgasms per year result in the reduction of physiological age by six years.

On reflection, I realized that Dr. Oz’s assertion left many unanswered questions.

For instance, is Dr. Oz really conflating intercourse with having an orgasm? I have it on good authority that these are completely separate issues, although occasionally they occur  within the same general time period. Neither intercourse nor orgasm are necessary or sufficient for the other. As examples, I refer you to the deli scene in “When Harry Met Sally” and any number of passages from Portnoy’s Complaint. Therefore, I conclude that keeping track of actual orgasms per year will not rely solely on counting acts of intercourse. This will be particularly true for many well-meaning women and unattractive men.

Second, exactly when does one have to start this regimen of frequent orgasms and how long must it continue for a reduction in physiological age? For instance, if the Clown began the regimen today (a highly remote possibility), how long before he would feel a year younger? Would it take a week? A month? A year? Longer? If it takes six years of this regimen to feel six years younger, the Clown could die of other causes in the mean time; exhaustion, for example.

Also, what happens if one is vigorously holding to the regimen and then stops? Will the physiological advances reverse in a similar fashion to Margaret Hamilton melting away in the “Wizard of Oz” (no relation)? If so, this could be traumatic for someone who has already reached say,  94, who then suddenly shoots up to around 100, simply for lack of frequent hoochie-coo. This possibility also suggests that once one starts the regimen, one must continue regardless of circumstances. This sounds dangerously like drug dependence.

With these questions in mind, the Clown interviewed several of the Duke study participants in order to add clarity to Dr. Oz’s general claim.

TEST GROUP FOLLOW-UP INTERVIEWS

Amanda P.,20, Duke undergraduate, Durham, NC. “Well, let’s see, with hook-ups Friday and Saturday plus study dates Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, I’m well over 200 orgasms a year and I feel like a 14-year old, except for the acne.”

Da Professor, 38, Independent DJ and Party Host, Miami, FL. “You gotta be kiddin’ me, man. I got booty comin’ out the booty. My crib is salacious to the max. If I don’t get down low daily, I’m like cranky, but I’m mostly a happy camper. I feel like I’m about 32 goin’ on 25.” Da Professor also mentioned other erotic activity that I didn’t fully understand, something about a dog and peanut butter.

Hugh H., 87, Publisher, Los Angeles, CA. “I feel like a spring chicken, 79, maybe 81 tops. Of course, being worth tens of millions, easy access to prescription drugs and willing women in their 20s really, really helps. I knew about this sex regimen long before Dr. Oz was a glimmer in his daddy’s eyes. Frankly, I think Oz used me as his muse. He probably owes me royalties.”

CONTROL GROUP FOLLOW-UP INTERVIEWS

Will R., 54, Lighthouse Keeper, Cape Neddick, ME. “Why are you asking me these embarrassing questions? Some university fellow asked me similar questions awhile back. My romantic life is none of your damned business. I live in a friggin’ lighthouse you sadist.  If you must know, I feel every bit of 54 and I’m lonely. God am I lonely. Goodbye and don’t ever call here again.”

Queen Kong, 39, Circus Fat Lady, Clearwater, FL. “Sex? Not so much. I used to hang with Zorastor, the guy who guesses your weight and age on the midway, but he dumped me for Changa the Cheetah Girl. He complained that I had just too many folds to search through. Bastard. How old do I feel? Look, I weigh north of 420, feeling younger than my age is a distant memory.

Father Robert M., 48, Catholic Priest, Philadelphia, PA. “As you must know, my son, self abuse is frowned upon within the curia. And, ever since the local diocese cracked down on pederasty, mostly for financial reasons, the options for sexual release have been greatly reduced. Many of us are hoping that Francis will re-visit the whole celibacy thing and get us out of this unnecessary and not scriptural-based jam. In the mean time, I’m feeling old beyond my years.”

These randomly generated anecdotes are proof enough for me that Dr.Oz has it about right. Unfortunately, I’m not the only one in the household who must come to this conclusion before my regimen can start. Well, that’s not exactly true considering the Corn Husker’s Lotion alternative.

Observoid of the Day: When truth battles hope, truth loses.