More Apt Apps

After being lured into a posh hotel room by a voluptuous bimbo I met at the bar, I later awoke in a bathtub of ice water, my left kidney removed and an iPhone nearby with which to call for assistance. Yeah, that was me. It was not just some infamous urban legend. Lucky for me it was a new iPhone with all the latest features. The kidney was a small price to pay compared to what they are getting for the newest smart phones at the AT&T store.

In case you hadn’t heard, the introduction of the smart phone has created an entire industry of techno-geeks who spend their days creating new “applications”, or “apps”, as the digerati  say, for these phones. With nearly a million apps now available it is the app that suggests useful apps that I find most apt.

Of course I have the usual collection of apps, Pandora, Fitbit, Around Me, Flashlight and Fandango. If you are unfamiliar with any or all of these apps, you are really, really old. Either that or your mobile phone is in a Naugahyde bag that you keep in the car and plug into the cigarette lighter. In which case, you are really, really old.

Given that I rarely have anything better to do, I have discovered some very useful and quite real apps that you may want to download (whatever that means) for yourself, assuming that you have a smart phone

1. The Smell Phone App: A Japanese company has created a small device ($35) that attaches to the smart phone. With that, plus an associated free app, the gadget emits a particular smell whenever you desire. For example, say the significant other calls, the app recognizes the number, the device then spritzes his or her cologne or perfume for you to smell. In my case, when the current wife calls, the gadget spritzes grilled chicken aroma to remind me that it is my night to cook. When my lawyer calls, the gadget spritzes pomade and stale cigar. When my bookie phones it spritzes beer+garlic breath and fear.

2. The Passion App: Using the phone’s microphone and accelerometer (I’m not making this up), the app, once engaged, measures sexual performance based on sounds and phone movement and then provides a performance rating at the end of the session. The user must either hold the phone during the activity or secure it to some unobtrusive part of the anatomy. No rating is given if the only recorded sound is pleading and begging, regardless of movement.

3. Hair Clinic App: For the follicle-challenged, this app “emits a special frequency to hair follicles that encourages growth”. The phone must be held near the scalp (or wherever you want additional hair to grow) while the app is doing its emitting. This app comes with a free companion app called “Beachfront Land for Sale in Houston”.

4. Hang Time App: This innovative app measures how long your smart phone stays airborne when thrown. If you have confidence and good hands, this app can provide hours of fun. If you are a bit clumsy, perhaps only seconds of fun. But, hey, fun is fun. It’s the quality not the quantity, right?

5. Fat Burner 2K App: This little jewel reduces fat deposits by vibrating at a secret but special frequency. Just initiate the app, hold the smartphone on the area where you want fat reduction and presto, you’re still fat but the complimentary app that comes with it, “Beachfront Land for Sale in Houston”, could prove useful.

6. iFart App: The less said about this app the better if I want this blog to maintain the sophistication and dignity for which the Clown has striven (strove?) these many posts. If you have a 12 or 13 year-old with a smart phone, however, you may want to silently tuck this app idea away for future gift-giving options. I’m pleased to report that so far, this app has nothing to do with the Smell Phone App discussed earlier.

I, my-own-techno-wizard self, have been working on a new app. It will be called the “Idiot Stop App” and will work like this: Just before any TV news show intends to interview Ted Cruz, Michele Bachmann, Kayne West, Hank Johnson, Ted Nugent, Mike Lee, Sean (P-Diddy, Puff Daddy, P-Puddle, Puff Doodle, Muff Puff) Combs, any representative of Scientology, Sarah Palin, Sean Penn, Dennis Rodman or Karl Rove, the phone will automatically change the channel to re-runs of “Seinfeld”. Idiots may be added to the app as they prove themselves worthy. This app has success written all over it.

Observoid of the Day: Your smart phone can also be used for making telephone calls. No, really.