Aphorisms, Maxims, Axioms and Bumper Stickers

Over the many years that the Clown has been writing observations, posting political stuff and generally letting his inner child loose on the public, he has also included Observoids of the Day as final punctuation to each post. Having just read a review of Andrew Hui’s latest book, A Theory of the Aphorism: From Confucius to Twitter it dawned on the Clown that many of his Observoids fall into the aphorism category.

Aphorisms are also know as “sayings”, “proverbs”, “maxims”, “axioms”, “adages”, “dictums”, “old saws” and “bumper stickers”. Basically, whatever one prefers to call them, they are entire philosophies trimmed down to their core. One needn’t  read the entire works of Locke or Nietzsche to find basic truths, no sir. One has only to seek out collections of aphorisms or spend a good bit of time reading bumper stickers at a mall parking lot.

So, to save my loyal readers some time scrolling through several years’ worth of 13th Clown posts just to read the Observoids of the Day, the Clown has very thoughtfully culled through the entire heap and selected those that best fit the definition of aphorism. While shorter than Ben Franklin’s Poor Richard’s Almanack, the Clown’s list is all the better for it because of today’s busy, self-absorbed reader.

Without further ado:

*You can point something out to a dog but the dog will just stare at your finger.

*Having a “Bad Hair Day” is a dream come true for a bald guy.

*Unless one is a catcher, umpire or welder,  a baseball hat worn backward is the international symbol for knucklehead.

*Silence is golden; duct tape is silver.

*A martini may quench many things but one of them is not thirst.

*Things aren’t as bad as they seem, they’re worse.

*A journey of a thousand miles begins with a stop at the ATM.

*If you take more than your share, you are either a thief or an investment banker.

*The Law of the Jungle does not require lawyers of the jungle.

*If you suddenly have a very clear memory of something that happened yesterday, you are having a “junior moment”.

*There are plenty of idiots but a shortage of villages.

*A body in motion tends to stay in motion. A body at rest tends to doze off.

*Dogs may not be as smart as pigs but they have figured out how to avoid becoming bacon.

*As part of emergency preparations for a hurricane, Americans rush to the grocery store and buy a week’s worth of ingredients for French toast.

*While you may be healthy enough for sexual activity, you may not be sexy enough.

*If it weren’t for thin skin, some folks would have no skin at all.

*Some win-win situations turn out to be dumb-dumb and go bad-bad.

*If it were true that “we are what we eat”, most people would look like Mr. Potato Head.

*When any sacred text contradicts itself, remember, God didn’t write it.

*Dog shows are one of very few places where you can say “bitch” without fear of being slapped.

*Almost 52% of all statistics are made up.

*Based on scriptural evidence, Saints Peter, Paul and Mary never sang “Tom Dooley”.

*It actually may be possible to fool all of the people all of the time.

*In heaven they give you a harp. In hell they give you a banjo.

*Cultured buttermilk may be socially skilled but it still isn’t milk.

*Tomatoes are a fruit, thus making ketchup a smoothie.

*In China, if you are “one in a million”, there are 1,350 people exactly like you elsewhere in the country.

*Two words that should never appear together in the same sentence are “naked” and “grandpa”.

*One man’s delicacy is another man’s ipecac.

*Fatwas and root canals are in the same humor genre.

*They should put diet books in the fiction department.

*“People skills” and “tolerance of idiots” are basically the same.

*Most Chinese proverbs were written by Noel Coward.

*No need to back-up your files, the NSA makes copies.

*A college degree is no guarantee that you aren’t still dumb as a sack of hammers.

*Avoid cliches like the plague.

*There is a fine line between acts of courage and stupidity, particularly when preceded by “Hey, watch this”.

*If it weren’t for a bit of lascivious behavior now and then, none of us would be here.

*If you believe that all news is fake, your world view is built on propaganda.

*There is a positive correlation between calorie count and flavor.

*Much of social media is quite anti-social.

So, there you have it, everything you need to know to live a happy and contented life.

You’re welcome.

 

Observoid of the Day: If you create a new aphorism and claim that it was first said by Mark Twain, everyone will consider it wise and instructive.