The Perfect Bra

The Clown is always on the prowl for new technologies that add to the convenience, mystery, exasperation, frustration and GNP of life. As we all should agree, technology has poked its way into every nook and cranny (mostly the crannies, which are often a very tight fit) of our day-to-day existence.

For instance, I’m told that the computing power of my smart phone is greater than that used to send men to the moon and bring them back in 1969. I haven’t actually tried that. I hear that this smart phone technology is at the heart of the for-profit space travel strategy currently being developed by Elon Musk, among others. Then, if emergency measures were needed to get such a space vehicle home safely, the passengers, remaining calm and breathing normally through those little masks that drop down from the overhead, would simply call the phone’s Help Line and hope like hell that someone answers before the entire craft burns up in a pell mell re-entry. This technology will be way more cost efficient than having a bunch of guys in white short-sleeved shirts (pocket protector optional) in Houston sitting around solving trajectory problems.

However, the latest tech miracle to capture the Clown’s interest is the new phone app from ThirdLove, a bra manufacturer. Thanks are in order to an alert reader who mentioned this potential topic.

The “bra-fitting” app basically uses two selfies, front and side views, of the customer’s tah-tahs. From this visual information, ThirdLove claims to be able to manufacture a custom bra of exceptional quality and comfort.

Now, before some of you rush off to report ThirdLove for dealing in salacious, easily- hacked pictures of nekkid women, I should point out that customers are asked to wear one of their current (apparently ill-fitting) bras for these pictures. The ThirdLove people aren’t idiots.

Their website testimonials are effusive, as could be expected. One “verified buyer”, Heather, gushed, “I forgot that I had boobs”. Well, Heather, this feeling will only last until the next time you talk to a man, who will remind you by staring at them. Yep, Heather, they’re still there alright.

ThirdLove also has an extensive website that features a bra-fitting questionnaire, in case taking two selfies is beyond the customer’s technical pay grade.

One of the first tasks in the questionnaire is for the customer to identify the “look” of their breasts by choosing from the illustrated Breast Shape Dictionary. Why such a dictionary wasn’t in my junior high library I can only guess. Believe me, if it had been there, I would have found it. There are nine “looks” from which to choose. These include:

Asymmetric: this one is self-explanatory and for which there is classic limerick*

Athletic: this could also be called the itty-bitty, nipple-only shape, but that’s not PC

Bell Shape: you will not be surprised to learn that this means, “shaped like a bell”

Relaxed: this is not an enviable shape

East-West: if this shape were headlights, the road ahead would not be illuminated

Round: the Clown won’t insult your intelligence with this one

Side Set: here, the breasts are apparently migrating to the woman’s back

Slender: take the “Athletic” shape and add just a smidge of filler

Tear Drop: a.k.a, Playmate of the Month

Once a selection has been made (and perhaps fretted over), there are a series of questions about the customer’s usual bra size, favorite brand, areas of discomfort and such. Then, ThirdLove provides its recommendation for style and size. The Clown, using purely random and highly imaginative data, completed the questionnaire and learned that “The Perfect Contour Plunge” in 37 D1/2 would be his best choice.

Had the Clown’s current wife not refused to submit her “front and side selfie” (which the Clown generously offered to take) for testing the app measurement, he might have gotten a completely different recommendation on style and size. Unfortunately, or perhaps not, the Clown, for obvious reasons involving law suits and viewer disgust, will not, his-own-self, be using the photo app to verify its accuracy. He’s pretty certain, however, that were he do so, that ThirdLove’s advice would include some reference to “athletic” and a depilatory.

In addition to the style and size, ThirdLove also recommended that I buy “2 nudes and 1 black”, which sounds a bit raunchy and racist. And, at $76 a pop, the Clown is happy that this was merely a research exercise.

*Oh yes, the limerick:

There once was a lady from Nizes
With breasts of two different sizes
One was so small, it was nothing at all
But the other was large and won prizes.

Observoid of the Day: “You are entitled to your own opinion” does not mean that your opinion has any worth, what-so-ever.