Fear of Clowns Unwarranted

MACON, Ga. September 14, 2016, CBS News — Clowns appeared Tuesday morning near a school bus stop in Macon, Georgia, possibly emerging from the bushes or a nearby abandoned house, and began chasing children, the kids later told investigators. 

The Bibb County deputies who arrived to the scene after a 911 call were the third Georgia police department to receive clown reports since Friday, and the latest in a growing list of bizarre clown sightings stretching across both Carolinas and Georgia since Aug. 21.

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Oh boy, here we go.

Clown bashing has become the latest social media phenomenon and it’s simply because some people like to dress up in clown outfits and scare little children. What’s the harm, really? I mean, a few kids get extra cardio exercise running pell mell and screaming. It does the little sugar-addicted porkies a world of good. In addition, it conditions them for the realities of adult life when politicians take to the airwaves. Politicians are simply clowns sans big red shoes.

I want to make it perfectly clear that I, my-own-self, have not taken part in the recent child-chasing hobby. First of all, I haven’t a prayer of catching anything that runs faster than a clumsy pre-schooler. Second, school buses roam around my neighborhood picking up the sleep-deprived children waaaaaaay before the Clown is up and caffeinated.

We in the Federation of Underpaid Clowns United (FUCU) are taking a firm stand against the latest attempt by the unfair lame-stream media to denigrate an ancient and honorable profession. I think it fair to say, “Clown Lives Matter”.

Sure, we have some wackos and immature bozo Bozos who occasionally step outside of FUCU’s by-laws and rob credit unions, appear in super hero movies as villains, use ammonia in their squirting flowers, steal people’s watches and wallets and such, but every large organization has the same issue. Wells Fargo comes to mind.

I don’t know who these latest clown pranksters are and even if I did, FUCU’s rules prohibit my saying who is under the grease paint. My guess is that these clowns are younger members of our organization, eager for some performance time and practice. Who better to hone your craft on than unsuspecting children? Sure, they could pick on adults at a regular bus stop but the possibility of being punched out by some humorless construction worker augers against that approach and targeting nursing homes has the potential to kill, in quite the literal sense. So school kids, with their tiny fists yet strong legs and hearts, are the preferred audience.

Given what I know about the type of person who aspires to clowndom (and politics), this kind of harmless activity otherwise keeps these clown novices from tipping over headstones, spray painting train cars, cooking crystal meth, joining violent gangs or figuring out how to package sketchy loans into AAA investments. Donning clown outfits and scaring children is really a better option and, arguably, healthier for the entire society.

Some of you may recall that this same sort of clown-shenanigan (one hates to label it terrorism even though some of the French clowns wielded swords) was rampant in Europe several months ago. The only known fall-out was that Great Britain then voted to leave the European Union, an action that was seen by pundits (another close relative of clowns) as British backlash aimed at the clowns in Brussels.

Now, to add insult to insult, some yahoo from Winston-Salem, by the name of David Armstrong, recently fabricated a “clown encounter” and reported it to the local constabulary. He claimed that a clown “knocked on his window”. The police soon announced that the whole affair was a lie to which Mr. Armstrong admitted. Local police have yet to name a motive. The Clown suspects the motive involves low self esteem, a pathological need for attention, chronic lying syndrome and visions of grandeur in the media spotlight. (In other words, Trumpitis.)

Take it from the 13th Clown, we mean no harm, although we can occasionally come across as creepy, especially when we lurk around abandoned buildings, knock on bedroom windows, emerge suddenly from dark and foreboding bushes to terrorize kids at lonely school bus stops. Creepy isn’t criminal, however. If it were, we would have to lock up Lil’ Wayne, Caitlyn Jenner and a significant portion of congress.

Observoid of the Day: The Chinese have constructed an entire language out of tattoos.