The Father, the Son and the Relief Pitcher

Of all professional sports, the Clown prefers those where showboating is discouraged. Of those, baseball is his fav because showboating is a sure way to get a 95 MPH fastball in the ear during your next at bat, even if that at bat is early the next season. Memories endure.

Given his enthusiasm for playoff baseball, the Clown has been watching many games, even the American League, which aficionados know isn’t really baseball because of the designated hitter rule, thus allowing the pitcher to throw inside hard stuff but face no payback because he never has to bat.

In most of these games, as is true during the regular interminable 162 game season, many of the players seem to pay homage to a higher power, looking skyward and pointing or, in the case of many Catholic players, crossing themselves. This is usually done either prior to facing a tense situation or after a spectacular play. God, they apparently believe, will intervene and give them an edge.

The Clown is skeptical.

So, using his secret, Heaven-Connect wireless methodology, he gave Heaven Central a jingle. In the past, as long-time readers will recall, the Clown’s calls are usually answered by one of Heaven’s poo-bahs, either God his or her-own-self or one of the trusted minions like Thomas Aquinas. This time is was Jesus, which is God, only different. This seemed appropriate because many baseball players are named Jesus, but use the Latin pronunciation, “Haysoos”.

Jesus: “What’s up, 13?” he sounded chipper, in an ethereal sort of way.

Clown: “Thanks for taking my call. I know you are a busy guy so I’ll keep it brief. I was wondering what role Heaven plays in determining the outcome of sporting events, you know, wins, losses, hits, perfect 10’s, touchdown catches, goals, even injuries? There seems to be a widespread belief among athletes on Earth that Heaven is deeply involved in such activities.”

Jesus: “Isn’t that just the cutest thing? However, Clown, one must think of the realities of the universe. Your own Milky Way has 93,343,615,017 stars, some of them have hospitable planets where sentient beings are living and playing locally created sports. And then, the universe has 100 billion plus other galaxies, each one just as big or bigger than the Milky Way. We’re talking about a boatload of athletes and teams asking God to intervene on their behalf. And, we’re supposed to be fully schooled in all of the rules of billions of different competitions and some of them are really weird, like curling. Don’t get me wrong, we could do it but it’s tough when one competitor is a believer and his or her opponent is just as devout. We made the decision several billion years ago just to stay out of it.”

Clown: “I suspected as much but I doubt it will make much difference to all the baseball players who point to the sky offering ‘thanks’ for what they really did all by themselves.”

Jesus: “Strange too is that they are usually pointing the wrong direction. On the orb you call Earth, if an athlete in Taiwan and one in the US are pointing up at the same time, thanking heaven for something we didn’t do, they are pointing in quite different directions. Of course, by design, Heaven cannot be located within the observable universe else we’d get a bunch of visits from the technically-advanced curious which would bottleneck the Pearlies. Anyhoo, trying to point to Heaven is symbolic but not accurate.”

Clown: “When you were on Earth, did you play sports?”

Jesus: “Oh sure. Between that gig in the Temple when I was 12 and my preaching years, I played matzoh ball. They called me Haysoos in those days. The Jews actually created the early forerunner of your baseball. There were differences, of course. For one thing, we used a heavily-doctored and desiccated matzoh ball left over from the holidays. It was truly a ‘dead-ball’ era. We didn’t have wooden bats. We used the jaw bone of an ass for batting. When one finally broke, the local donkey population became a bit skittish.”

Clown: “Wow, this is news. It certainly didn’t make it into the New Testament.”

Jesus: “Actually, there may be a passing reference in the Coptic Scriptures but so much has been written about me that I lose track. Well, Clown, enjoy the World Series. I have a meeting to take. Ciao.”

What a great guy! Knowing that, in human form, Jesus enjoyed competition makes the whole story that much more astounding.

The Clown intends to watch the World Series, all sporting events for that matter, and know that the incredible skill, outcomes, failures and successes are the product of the competitors themselves, using the talent that nature, also know as God in some circles, has given them to build on. Pretty cool.

Observoid of the Day: In the good old days, every village had its idiot. Today, thanks to the Internet, they found each other.