Blues Rules

There are many things to be blue about in the world today: War, famine, inflation, climate change, Ron Desantis. It’s no wonder that we are feeling a bit down. O.K., really down. The situations that are making our current lives a bummer, however, are not the kind of things that act as a trigger for creating a blues song. Besides, ‘Desantis’ is difficult to rhyme.

As the Clown considers himself quite the expert, perhaps even a genius, when it comes to all things musical (think Fabian or Sheb Wooly), it occurred to him that there must be a reason that not all negative things produce ‘the blues’ as a genre of music. This realization prompted the Clown to dig into the mystery of how and why a blues tune comes into existence and what pieces and parts are required for the song to be considered ‘the blues’. From Eric Clapton, to BB King and ‘Honeyboy’ Edwards, blues singers follow a set of unofficial rules.

First, a blues song must be musically simple, that is, not requiring sheet music with all those pesky notes, treble clefs, ligatures, the knowledge of music theory or even the ability to play an instrument. Like Dolly Parton, one just needs an open-chord tuned guitar and the ability to mash down all six string across one fret at a time and voila, a blues tune emerges.

In the Mississippi Delta, as in Nashville, the use of sheet music is considered ‘high brow’ and frowned on as snobbish. The basic blues song consists of three chords, such as, E, A, and B seventh, or G, C and D seventh. Arrange and re-arrange the three chords in groupings to suit your ear, add words, publish and become independently wealthy, just like Dolly.

Well, of course, there are some rules about the words and the topics of the song for it to be considered the blues. Here are a few pointers about what you can and cannot write a blues song about.

If you have lost part of your leg to a gator attack while noodling for catfish, you can write a blues song. If, however, you lost part of your leg due to an infection as the result of liposuction, you cannot.

If your baby left you, took your cherry ’65 Mustang and set it on fire in the desert, you can write a blues tune. However, if your fourth wife left you, took her own Mercedes and left you with only the Range Rover, you cannot.

If the sledge hammer head breaks loose and flattens the left side of your face, you can write a blues song. If you smashed your face against an aspen tree while skiing at Vail, you cannot.

If you are forced to ‘shoot your woman down’ on Main Street because she’s cheating with Leroy Brown, you can write a great blues tune. If you shoot your wife using a deer rifle, with a scope, from 200 yards away because you wanted to run off with the nanny, you can’t.

If your woman won’t let you into her bed because you slept, ‘just that one time’, with her sister, you can write the blues about it. However, if your wife won’t let you sleep with her because you are an unsatisfying premature ejaculator, forget it.

If your pit bull bites your lower lip clean off in playful fun (“It’s not the breed, it’s the training”), you can write a blues song. If your lower lip (or upper, or both) have to be surgically reconstructed due to a bad Botox reaction, nopety, nope, nope.

As you can see, one must be aware of the ‘blues rules’ before launching into a career of songwriting. It seems simple, as are the song constructions themselves, but venturing into negative areas for ideas can be fraught. If writing the blues proves too difficult, you might consider rap or hip-hop (the Clown cannot explain the difference). This genre is also simple. You will need a basic grasp of iambic pentameter and several synonyms for genitalia. That should do it.

Observoid of the Day: The only organizations with a higher per capita of numbskulls than the U.S. House of Representatives are the 51 state legislatures.