“Starbucks Hates Jesus”

Well sure they do, everyone knows that. We didn’t need Joshua Feuerstein, self-described evangelist plus Internet and social media personality, to reveal the obvious.

Starbucks, international purveyor of Dark Roast Coffee, Half Caff Double Skinny Lattes, Non-Fat Frappucinos with Extra Whip, Half Caff Soy Lattes, Quad Non-Fat One Pump No Whip Mochas, Venti Iced Skinny Hazelnut Macchiatos and No Caff Triple Shot Expressos with Quaaludes–and let’s not forget the tea choices–has been overtly anti-Jesus from the git-go. Their decision to drop the traditional Christmas motif from this year’s holiday cups was just the straw that broke the donkey’s back–and donkeys, strong enough to carry a pregnant woman all the way from Nazareth to Bethlehem, have very strong backs.

The Clown’s sources tell me that back in July, the Starbucks management team assembled in Conference Room 666 to discuss the 2015 holiday push to stuff more caffeine down the throats of harried shoppers.

At the same time, Starbucks was considering a stock split to make shares more attractive to smaller investors. Very creatively, someone on the marketing side (no one has taken credit for the idea) suggested that Starbucks should just alienate 40% of its customer base (the Christians) and then the stock price would decline by half. Voila!, same result, an affordable stock for the day-trader.

The strategy would be simple. Instead of decorating their red holiday cups with the usual Christian symbols of Jesus’s birth, you know, snowflakes, tree ornaments and reindeer, the cups would be left solid red, Lucifer’s favorite color.

Well, this blatant insult to the solemn observation of the birth of Jesus didn’t go unnoticed by certain elements of the evangelical crowd. They now plan to picket Starbucks this Christmas to show their support for Jesus instead of observing the holiday in the traditional reverent way of binge shopping for a flocked tree, several boxes of multi-colored decorative Chinese-made light strands, a blow-up gingerbread house for the yard, a Conair Jacuzzi Foot Bath Spa for mom, Play Station 3 with Blood-Bath Combat Zone and Zombies Rotting Flesh Army games for Bubba Jr., Ortho-Novum six-month supply Gift Card for Sis and an Imitation Saddle Leather Barcalounger for Bubba Sr.

A spokesperson for Mr. Feuerstein (Joshua declined our request for an interview) e-mailed the Clown and indicated that there could well be other giant U.S. corporations that hate Jesus. Alert evangelicals across the country are looking for signs of any such heretical Jesus loathing, which would be, he wrote, “….indicated by inappropriate holiday foo paws” (sic).

The e-mail further clarified that those corporations who fail to maintain crucial Jesus’s birth symbols including (but not limited to), Santa, the Budweiser Clydesdales, Norelco Electric Razor TV ads, figgy pudding, “Miracle on 34th Street”, the Rockettes Holiday Show, Bowl games and NORAD’s tracking of Santa’s sleigh on Christmas Eve risk becoming targets for the group’s wrath.

Of course, he continued, evangelicals also acknowledge the importance of the original Jesus’s birth narrative(s), one told in the Book of Mathew and a very different one told in the Book of Luke. Take your pick.

In the meantime, Starbucks is holding firm on its “We Hate Jesus” strategy.

Jeffery Fields, vice president of design for Starbucks, indicated that their holiday cups were actually “a two-toned ombre’ design, with a bright poppy color on top that shades into a darker cranberry below. It’s not simply ‘red’.”

Starbucks,” he added, ” Has become a place of quiet sanctuary during the holidays.”

It’s clear that Starbucks is playing into the unique preferences of Beelzebub, he who favors almost any design that tends toward the ombre’. The Prince of Darkness is especially partial to “bright poppy” due to its association with heroin and anything that “shades to dark”, even cranberry, gets Haborym’s approval. Starbucks is really trying to piss off this segment of evangelicals.

As for Starbucks being a “sanctuary”, those gathering at these incredibly expensive coffee klatsches during the holidays are sure to be influenced by the seductive evil vibe, even if they are already evil, like the customers in BMWs.

Observoid of the Day: A Triple Shot No Caff Expresso is an oxymoron.