The French Dressing Revolution

“We conclude that a standard of identity for French dressing no longer promotes honesty and fair dealing in the interest of consumers.” Food and Drug Administration

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When it comes to French dressing, which, quite frankly, doesn’t happen all that often, the Clown predicted that in the great struggle between the FDA and the Association for Dressings and Sauces (AD&S), Big Sauces would prevail. And so they have. Like any major industry group, AD&S sends care packages of money to various political movers, shakers and legislative salad eaters. These people then lean on government agencies to “lay off with the regs already, and this includes the requirements for what goes into French dressing, FDA.”

Big Sauces will now have free rein on what goop they decide to peddle as French dressing. The only say the FDA will have is to insist the goop isn’t poison, made from substances that cause the growth of additional back hair or use orange dyes that make the dressing glow in the dark of the refrigerator (although this one is tough to prove unless you close yourself inside a refrigerator.)

 AD&S conducted a salad dressing popularity survey in 2017. French dressing did not fare well, with only a single-digit showing as consumers’ first choice. Ranch dressing was the runaway favorite, garnering 40%. As some have noted, in certain parts of the rural America, ranch dressing is considered a beverage.

The Clown’s current wife favors ginger dressing, especially the Makoto brand. The label uses faux Japanese lettering and features a Samurai. However, in an egregious example of cultural appropriation, the dressing is made in Melbourne, Florida. At last count, exactly two Japanese people live in Melbourne and they’re both in real estate.  

But the Clown digresses.

The Clown wondered, what made French dressing, well, French? Ingredients include oil, vinegar, sugar (lots of sugar), food coloring and maybe tomato or paprika, if it’s high fallutin’. While all of those ingredients may be found in France, they are also available worldwide. The French connection must have nothing to do with the ingredients.

Sleuthing further, the Clown investigated the various colors of French dressing, which range from thousand island pink to contusion red and even safety-vest day-glo orange. Much the same color palette can be used to describe both Russian and Catalina dressings. So, no wonder the FDA felt compelled to declare exactly what went into French dressing all those years. The agency was just insuring that some unscrupulous dressing or sauce conglomerate would not sneak some Catalina or Russian dressing into a bottle and then slap a “French Dressing” label on it. And don’t put it past these sneaky sauce and dressing big wigs to cut corners for a quick buck off of unsuspecting consumers. They discuss these money-making issues at their annual Association for Dressings & Sauces convention. The Clown has been told that this is a fun, fun group.

Further digging revealed the answer to what makes French dressing, French. Absolutely nothing!

In 1920, the Heinz Ketchup (Catsup?) Company discovered they could use excess ketchup to make a salad dressing by adding oil, some vinegar and more sugar. To deceive the public into thinking that this new dressing was really special, the marketing brains decided that Americans thought of anything French as sexy and slightly bohemian. So, the French had nada to do with the creation of French dressing except for the fact the French use their tongues when kissing and wear striped shirts and berets.

Here’s the international relations problem with America’s French dressing: When a French diner asks for French dressing in France, the waiter brings vinegar and oil in a little caddy. When an American tourist asks for French dressing in France, the vinegar and oil show up and a loud argument ensues. Thus the term, “Ugly American”.  When a French tourist asks for French dressing in the U.S., his or her salad comes with half a quart of orange goop camouflaging the greens and the tourist recoils. “WTF?” The French find America’s French dressing inedible. The fact that America would name such a concoction after the French is just another reason for them to oppose the invasion of Iraq.

Observoid of the Day: Of all the international dressings to avoid, Uzbekian Yak Juice dressing would likely top the list.