23andMoi

For Christmas this year the Clown received many traditional gifts including Dr. Scholl’s orthopedic inserts for his clown shoes, hypo-allergenic grease paint in primary colors (Republican Red, Democratic Blue, Sap Sucker Yellow, Walter White), a guide book on how to make anatomically-correct balloon animals and a 23andMe DNA kit. The latter, he was told, is “what everyone is doing”.

For those of you who aren’t an “everyone”, let me bring you up to speed.

The 23andMe folk analyze your DNA via a tube of your spit and then send you a report detailing your ancestry. The overall process is quite simple. The kit includes all the material needed. There is a small plastic spit container into which one spits. Then there is some fixing solution that is easily mixed with the spit. The contraption is sealed, placed into a pre-paid envelope and mailed to 23andMe. For your privacy, they then flush your analyzed spit down the toilet where it mixes with millions of other samples of spit and additional gross stuff.

You, in the rush of day-to-day errands, yoga classes and Starbuck’s runs, quickly forget that you even did all that, so when the 23andMe results show up in your e-mail a month later, you are completely unprepared to learn that you have a half-sister living in Toledo and that your “father” doesn’t register in your lineage at all. Great fun!

In addition to these lineage results there are all sorts of interesting tidbits about what your DNA reveals regarding your traits, predispositions, health and wellness and propensity to be a Trump supporter.

The Clown is 48% English/Irish, 33% French, 1% Scandinavian and 18% Mystery Meat. The most impressive lineage information about the Clown is that he has more Neanderthal markers in his DNA than 92% of the population, which, according to the current wife, “Explains a lot”.

The Clown’s DNA traits suggest that he has no fear of heights which is bolstered by the fact that he often volunteers for “stilt duty” during performances. The Clown also learned that his closest relatives are very unlikely to drink instant coffee, a piece of information that he is still carefully sifting for a nugget of value.

The Clown is unlikely to suffer from misophonia, the hatred of eating sounds, slurping, gum chewing or whispering. This makes sense because during the salad days of the Neanderthals, these sounds were the rule, not the exception. However, now that this propensity deficit has been pointed out by 23andMe, the Clown has become super sensitive to these disgusting and uncivilized noises.

Apparently, the Clown is prone to wet earwax. Who knew? Certainly not the Clown. He is also not likely to “flush” when drinking alcohol, but he already knew that. He does, however, get better looking and cleverer when drinking, but this was not in the report.

Finally, the Clown’s asparagus odor detection in urine is quite good, a DNA driven talent. Again, this ties back to the Neanderthal markers. Neanderthals were “hunter/gatherers” as opposed to today’s “scroller/clickers”. This means, that instead of going to the supermarket and selecting from hundreds and hundreds of genetically modified products, carefully sealed in plastic wrap, Neanderthals went into nature, a.k.a. the forest, and selected edible food from what was growing there.

Of course, not everything growing in nature was considered good to eat and those few Neanderthals who considered asparagus delicious were considered more than odd and were driven from the tribe to die alone in the forest. Thus, being able to detect asparagus consumption in urine was highly valued by those neanderthals who hated asparagus. So identified, the “asparagus devils”, as they were known, could be driven out. Unfortunately, while asparagus is disgusting it’s also nutritious. Over many generations, the Neanderthals simply wasted away into oblivion from failure to eat asparagus. Ergo, asparagus odor detection in urine contributed mightily to the extinction of an entire voting block of Trump supporters.

The Clown is proud that his ancestors did their part.

Observoid of the Day: “If your family tree has only one branch, you could be a redneck.”                 Jeff Foxworthy