How the Democrats Can Re-Elect Trump

On the 4th of July, a Clown’s fancy turns to politics.

Two hundred forty-three years ago in Philly, 56 well-to-do land owners, traders, professionals and other solid citizens pledged their lives, their fortunes and their sacred honor in support of gaining independence from Great Britain. As it happens, many did lose their lives and those of their children in the seven-year war that followed. Many also lost their entire fortunes and land. Theirs was no empty pledge. They promised and then, by God, they built a new country and never once promised that Mexico would pay for it.

If you listen closely on a quiet night, you can hear the whirring of those founding fathers in their crypts as they spin in dismay.

Today’s America is nothing like they expected it to be. Good God, women, Negroes, Indians and others with dark skin, men who do not own land and homosexuals can vote! And, try as the founders might against them, political parties formed anyway, coalesced, broke apart, oozed to re-form, went out of business and then came back from the dead with new names. Currently we have two dominant parties, the Goofballs and the Schmucks.

The Goofballs are mostly represented by those calling themselves Democrats. The Schmucks are now the party of Donald Trump, previously calling themselves Republicans. This party now rules the White House, the Senate and the Supreme Court with a very tiny iron fist. The head Schmuck is determined to rule for an additional four years, and if Jared and Ivanka have their way, for even more years after that. After all, it’s only a matter of getting the Congress to change the term limits rule.

The Goofballs are determined, so they claim, to unseat the Donald and other Schmucks in 2020. Many of the contenders for the coveted spot of being Donald’s piñata in the 2020 election are choosing to champion very odd policy positions, given that they need to appeal to a broad swath of voters who still retain their marbles and would rather vote for a sea slug with moderate views than for Trump.

Given the president’s current approval rating (44% among all voters), one that has not really budged for the last two years, the task of electing someone from the opposing party would seem to be a no-brainer. With “no-brainer” being the critical phrase. However, the Goofballs have potential candidates who support policies and programs that the broad swath of voters in the middle, whom they desperately need to capture, find unacceptable. It gives the phrase “no-brainer” a new meaning.

Following is the list of Goofball policies and programs that will hand the election to the Schmucks one more time.

1. Medicare For All. Idiotic. It sounds good at first blush, but when voters learn that 70 million will be forced to give up their employer’s plan and be replaced with a gummit plan, enthusiasm drops dramatically. Also, the price tag would be “yuge”. Please, Goofballs, just promise to fix what needs fixing in the AFA, let private insurers do their thing for employers and employees who like their coverage and move on. And just like the big employers’ plans, everyone  has to be in some insurance pool, just like everyone is required to buy car insurance for their wheels. That’s the only way an insurance business model can work. Yep, the Clown understands “the health insurance mandate”. For those of you who don’t, re-read your Business 101 text.
2. Open Borders. Bullsh*t. Folks, this idea is patently ridiculous. It’s so ridiculous that it is beneath the Clown to even explain why it is ridiculous. I give my readers more credit.
3. Free College. Goofy. Lunches and college ain’t never free. Period. Full stop. Someone has to pay for all of those pointed headed profs, all the costs of fancy infrastructure like climbing walls, sushi bars, amateur athletes (wink, wink), books, beakers, dorms, campus police, safe spaces, etc. Better, I think, to start promising to rein in the outlandish government loan programs offered to students by lenders of all types, some pretty unsavory, which have driven the cost of college to dismaying heights. The college administrations love the income provided by those loans, so they jack up their prices, and the lenders have a solid “no default” rule thanks to the Schmucks. As a result, the graduates start out their economic lives in a deep hole.
4. Late Term Abortion.Creepy. Please, Goofballs, just stick with a sensible promise to leave the abortion decision to the mother and the doctor but not, however, after a certain late term limit when the unborn child could, with some non-heroic medical intervention, survive outside of mommy. Once an unborn child reaches a level of probable independence, and I’m told that this can usually be determined, aborting is hard not to consider infanticide. Clearly, there are medical reasons, having to do with the mother’s life, that may require it, but it should be rare.
5. Reparations. DOA. While the Clown agrees that America has clearly failed to live up to its promise to treat every citizen fairly because we are “all created equal”, and this is demonstratively so for black Americans, promising to buy off the collective guilt of several generations seems a fool’s errand, Ta-Nehisi Coates’ eloquent arguments notwithstanding. It certainly would be a nightmare of bureaucratic bumbling and do nada to change the racism in people’s hearts and minds. In fact, it would likely exacerbate the divide that needs closing. Lyndon Johnson’s War on Poverty was an idea generated by our better angels yet was a huge counter-productive program. Social engineering by bureaucrats often fails. Reparations are a poisinous campaign pitch.

Whichever way the 2020 elections go, either the Schmucks or the Goofballs will be in charge. If the Goofballs want to win, they only need to find a relatively attractive and sensible sea slug.

Observoid of the Day: Sea slugs have no backbones so they would fit in nicely in Washington.