Floridastan

In the Clown’s opinion, the state of Florida has always been the place where all of the loose detritus collected when God picked up the U.S. and shook it to tidy things up in the rest of the lower 48. As a result, the state has garnered the motto, “Florida, a Sunny Place for Shady People”.

One result of that demographic collection of loose nuts and such is that Florida is now the center of anti-woke activism in which the contents of K-12 schoolbooks is a festering boil. The primary targets of anti-woke ire are books that reference African Americans, slavery, Jim Crow Laws, same sex marriage, non-binary individuals, transvestite story hour, homoerotic penguins and Toni Morrison.

The pressure from these activists has caused the publishers to rethink the content of their books so as not to “harm” Florida children or make them ashamed of being…..well, white, especially if they are gender-conforming white and evangelical. Here is an actual example of re-writing a textbook, in an entry about Rosa Parks. It was submitted to satisfy the Florida Textbook Review Committee (FTRC), whose members are appointed by the governor’s Education Commissioner.

Here is the original quote about Ms. Parks found in a first grade book.

“The law said African Americans had to give up their seats on the bus if a white person wanted to sit down.”

The FTRC took exception to the “critical race theory” content and asked for a re-write. In the first updated version, the “African American” reference was replaced

“She was told to move to a different seat because of her skin color.”

But that wasn’t good enough for the church ladies, et al. Now the submission reads:

“Rosa Parks showed courage. One day, she rode the bus. She was told to move to a different seat. She did not. She did what she believed was right.”

Textbook publishers sell a boatload of books in Florida. Ergo, as a business decision, they must consider the complaints that their books warp developing minds with history or something. There will have to be lots and lots of rewrites to satisfy the FTRC and the DeSantis administration.

Because the Clown has a soft spot for publishers, cuddly New York snots that they are, he has taken the liberty, and Florida is all about liberty, to pen a few amended entries for textbooks in the land of future burkas. These amended entries should satisfy those who oppose critical race theory, homosexuality, non-binary people, drag shows, same sex marriage and comprehensive and accurate history currently soiling Florida’s classrooms.

HISTORY

Harriet Tubman, the Florida version. Harriet Tubman, a somewhat swarthy woman from Maryland immigrated north to Philadelphia and found the environment there so amenable that she often went back to the south to encourage others to immigrate as well. She established a railroad and a successful travel agency to smooth the moving process for 70 additional people of her ilk.

Martin Luther King, Jr., the Florida version. Marty King, was a somewhat ruddy Baptist preacher from Atlanta, Georgia. He had a knack for oratory and often gave famous speeches before thousands of swarthy admirers. A life-long democrat, he was therefore investigated by J. Edgar Hoover’s FBI and some say he was shot and killed by a man who simply had a beef with local garbagemen in Memphis. 

Jim Crow Laws, the Florida version. Jim Crow Laws were named after a kindly white landowner in the deep South following the Civil War, a war primarily about states’ rights not slavery. These laws were a reaction to the efforts of The Federal Reconstruction Program in the south, designed by Abraham Lincoln to help heal the country. Many in the south found these efforts to be anemic and unworthy of the “healing” idea, especially Lincoln’s replacement, Andrew Johnson. Therefore, explaining that the former Confederate States were better suited to rebuilding the south than was the Federal system, southerners found creative and effective ways in which to “secure the vote”. 

SOCIAL STUDIES

The origin of the Delta Blues, the Florida version. The Delta Blues sprung up in the deep south when local sun-darkened farmers and tradesmen of the 17th and 18th century got together to share stories and dance the Cotton Eyed Joe. Many of the laborer/musicians had learned their songs while working long hours in the fields and on the Mississippi River loading docks, piling cotton bales into the holds of steamers. The reference to the songs as “the blues” has stumped historians as to the meaning of the genre. A case could made that the songs were a lament about the less than cushy working conditions often found in the south during these antebellum years. It’s only a theory, however.

SCIENCE

George Washington Carver, the Florida version. George Washington Carver was an American agricultural scientist and inventor who promoted alternative crops to cotton and methods to prevent soil depletion. He was one of the most prominent scientists of the early 20th century. While making several valuable discoveries he was most famous for being a slightly duskier doppelgänger for the original George Washington who was also a farmer and had many field hands with the same swarthy complexion as Carver.

MATH

Original question. Please define the term NON-BINARY. Give an example.

The Florida revised question. What is the sum of 1 + 1 + 1 = ?

Clearly, these brief examples only scratch the surface of the work to be done before Florida textbooks are safe to read. However, the long-term impact of this “cleansing” effort on education in the Sunshine State will have great impact in the years when  current K-12 students are faced with standardized tests required for acceptance into institutions of higher learning in places not called “Florida”. The state could well become the epicenter for employers looking for trainable morons.

Observoid of the Day: Ron DeSantis is the Grand Mufti of Floridastan.