In all of the hurly burly of the holidays and drama of recent national politics, you may have missed the reported discovery, by Australian herpetologists, that female snakes have not one but two clitori (new word invented here). Even more shocking is that these scientists didn’t think that female snakes had even one such organ.
According to Megan Folwell, lead author of the study conducted at the University of Adelaide, Australia, “For many years we thought that they were scent glands but discovered that they are full of nerve endings, indicating a role in arousal.”
This is the kind news story that the Clown tracks down so you don’t have to. You’re very welcome.
Naturally, this information piqued the Clown’s interest in snake sex in general and the resulting research is both prurient and disgusting; so as is his wont, the Clown wants to share it with you.
Different species of snakes act in different ways regarding their approach to courtship. Common garter snakes, for example, use what is called the gang-tackle technique wherein a gaggle of males wrap themselves around a single female, each one trying to line up his cloaca (rhymes with Mo Rocca) with her cloaca. The cloaca is an opening in the underside of the snake toward its tail (actually, a snake is all tail but you get the idea). Externally, cloacas (rhymes with Caracas) look the same on males and females. The only way to determine the sex of a snake is to probe the cloaca. This irritating activity is not recommended for the faint of heart, particularly if the snake is lethally poisonous.
Many other species of snakes mate one-on-one, which reduces the challenge of lining up the cloacas while 30 other horny snakes are each vying for the same prize. One-on-one mating does, however, involve some basic female resistance and struggle which will eventually lead to some “Me Too” accusations as snakes evolve and more enlightened snake sensibilities come to the fore. But I digress.
Once the cloacas are aligned, the male’s hemipenises (yes, they have two) unfurl outside of his cloaca and one of them is inserted into the female’s. Snake penises are an ornate sight to behold. Unlike the rather drab female cloaca with its two small clitori, the male packages are bizarrely shaped in a myriad of ways, often sporting spines and lumps of various sizes and often in multi-colors, the snake equivalent of the French Tickler. While it seems unfair that the male snake has a showpiece of a sexual organ, the female has the winning hand, even without hands. She gets to decide if she wants babies by this particular male. She has two chambers for storing sperm. One for reproduction and one for kicking unwanted sperm to the curb.
How her decision is made to reproduce with snake number three versus snake number one remains a mystery. However, the Clown takes note of other scientific snake mating observations to posit one theory regarding this decision. To whit: a single snake mating can last all day or just one hour. One could assume that if it lasts for many hours, the female snake is impressed by her partner’s stamina, her pleasant physiological sensations and the Tantric mind control of “Mr. Stud” snake. She is likely to want to bring his babies into the world in appreciation of his romantic and sexual skill. This would be the “slow hands” technique except he doesn’t have hands either. Conversely, “Mr. One Hour” snake, possibly known in the snake world as a premature ejaculator, isn’t likely to endear himself with his “wham, bam, thank you ma’am” approach.
There is an opposite possibility, however. The act of lining up cloacas could be as difficult as backing a U-Haul trailer into a tight spot by a first-time renter. For some, it could take all day, particularly if there are two dozen other snakes seeking the same highly-valued space. This theory would mean that “Mr. One Hour” snake is far more experienced, like the dude who rents a U-Haul several times a year to avoid paying rent.
Thankfully, each species of snake has sex organs that only fit with another of the same species, making snake interbreeding impossible. This is good because no one wants a pet garter snake in Kayden’s room with the temperament and venom sacs of a spitting cobra.
Finally, snakes make lousy parents. Sure, they like the sex but they don’t much care for wriggly little baby snakes. The male doesn’t hang around after sex to smoke a cigarette and engage in pillow talk. He heads out to find another female cloaca where they can use his other hemipenis for more sex. Jerk! Once the female has babies or lays her eggs (different species use different birthing techniques), she usually slithers off to party some more. Hussy!
I think we can all agree that snake courting, mating and family dynamics make for a lousy model for many of nature’s other critters, except maybe for NBA players and their groupies.
Snakes have had a bad reputation since the story of the Adam and Eve first emerged. The Clown thinks that over the eons snakes could have undertaken some serious PR efforts to rehabilitate how they are viewed. Instead, they just keep on being sneaky, kinky creepers.
Observoid of the Day: The mean average IQ of the House Freedom Caucus members is 98.6, known as “body temperature morons”.
Ok, but are the girl-snakes multi-orgasmic??
Something I didn’t know that I didn’t know. Snakes. Who knew?
(One of your best–and that’s saying something!)
This is hilarious and definitely something I would never in a million years know anything about without the Clown shedding light on the topic. Thank you, I think.